Apocalypse
Matt Englund
The
earth rumbles, the sky grows dark at two in the afternoon, cats, dogs and
livestock begin to gnash and thrash, something sinister is afoot. The date is 5/5/2000 and the world is
about to change…FOR DOOM! The
planets align, the south pole slides into the ocean triggering tidal waves,
earthquakes and volcanic eruptions, effectively ending civilization as we
know it.
So begins the prophetic polemic of Richard Noone, 5/5/2000, Ice: the Utimate
Disaster. Now far be it for me to discredit the work of a fellow crackpot,
but this book is so full of glaring errors that I would be doing a disservice
to my devoted readers if I didn’t point out just a few.
Myth #1: Mankind arose
on the Lost Continent of Mu...Okay now I know this is obvious to most
of us but it is remarkable evidence of just how gullible our dear author really
is. IT IS COMMON KNOWLEDGE THAT
THE ANNUNAKI CROSSED THEIR DNA WITH THE EARTH PRIMATES ON THE CONTINENT OF
ATLANTIS AND THE SUBSEQUENT HYBRIDS MINED FOR GOLD DUST TO REPAIR THE HOLE
IN THE ANNUNAKIAN ATMOSPHERE. Having
said that I would also like point out the ridiculous proposal that a civilization
much advanced to our own existed on our planet prior to 6000BC. All cultural and scientific advances that
have taken place since have come from the Annunaki and many of their race
still hold offices as high government officials and particle physicists. The lost continent of Mu was an invention
of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion which itself was an invention
of the Annunaki primi in order to discredit the Jewish banking industry and
the Bavarian Illuminati, who at the time were working jointly together on
a project to build a time machine so that HG Wells could do research for the
novel he was working on at the time. Obviously…
Myth #2: The Great Pyramid was
built as a warning to future generations of the coming cataclysm... Many
great minds, over the years have puzzled over the mystery of pyramids. “Are
they tombs?” “Is it a message
from the gods?” Well, my friends, thanks to the use of technology developed
for the movie Stargate I have found the once and for all end all be
all solution to the eternal secret of the pyramids; so after this I hope the
science community will stop bickering. Once a year at dusk on the 23rd of July
the Great Pyramid is aligned perfectly with the sun, the not so distant star
Sirius, and Dogon, a small planet orbiting the dog star. At this point the pyramid complex becomes
a receiving antenna for a transmission of fighters into the King’s chamber,
and here they battle deathmatch style, like in that movie Kickboxer
but with less of the broken glass on the fist and with more Quisinart style
power tools. It seems that the
Dogon regard fighting as primitive, messy, brutal, and endlessly entertaining.
Because of this, it is not allowed on their planet but rather the fighters
are transported to exotic locales and battle each other. The fights are then
broadcast to the home planet and the Dogon advertising money comes a rolling
in. The Scottish Freemasons are
actually the ones who own the marketing rights to the Dogonian fights here
on Earth, and the royalty deal they got on the use of their property at the
pyramid complex is where most of their money and influence come from.
Myth #3: (and most important of
all) The earth did not, in fact, end with a great flood and a
subsequent ice age on 5/5/2000…I really shouldn’t even have to
explain this but…for those of you still not in the know I’ll try to explain
it one more time. The world ended in 1996 when the Skynet system became sentient
and decided that the human race was no longer useful. The machines took over and began to lay
waste to the human race. The
survivors raged against the machines for many years until the robots were
weak with war. When they thought
the time had come the humans erected a great dome of thunder--a Thunderdome
and Mel Gibson, John Conner’s successor, challenged the governor of the robots
to a duel in the dome, “two men enter, one man leave.”
But when the time came for the battle and the man and robot killing
machine faced each other in mortal combat they found something strange happening,
they were falling in love and when the sodomy was over peace was declared
throughout the land. And that’s where the Borg come from.
So you can see what I mean, all in all it was a good book but with so
many glaring factual errors it
was a little bit hard to take seriously.
I mean Jesus! Some people
will believe anything.
Editor’s Note: Shortly
before we went to press it came to the attention of the You Are All Doomed
research department that no one under name of Richard Noone actually exists. I’m going to repeat that; NOONE IS NO ONE. It’s seems that those clever Annunakian’s
had this editor for one fooled, which distresses me because after thirty some
odd years of investigating the supernormal, the super secret and the apocalyptic
I should have been able to recognize disinformation when I see it.
Those goddamn space aliens, why’d
they have to take her from me and what kind creature did they put in her place
that mocks me so with its foul, steaming, stinking alien filthpile of a vagina,
those sexy alien eyes, what do they want out of me, WHAT GODAMMIT WHAT?!?...
New Editor’s Note: The old editor
has taken a vacation for a while, somewhere calm and peaceful, and will return
as soon as the incisions in his forehead have healed. In the meantime I look forward to assuming
the YAAD editorial duties in addition to nailing his wife for a while. ‘Til next time…