COMAS
INCREASE
Epidemic Spreads Outside of United Kingdom
Manchester
- Scientists and Physicians alike are at a loss to explain the bizarre phenonema
spreading across the United Kingdom. To date, nearly 300 men and women have
slipped into comas with vurtually no provocation or prior symptoms indicating
health decline. Worse, however, is the revelations that cases are popping up
in parts of India, Asia, New Zealand, and The United States.
"There's no clear scientific explanation for this" explains Doctor
J.M. Hentrails, head practicioner of a well respected Manchester Hospital. "To
all outward appearances, [victims] appear dead to the world, and yet brainwave
activity is through the roof."
While there is no clear connection in discerning what causes the coma, Civil
Serpents have indicated that located near each victim is a single cream coloured
feather, and while drugs were suspected, few involved would comment on what
particular combination would cause such bizarre symptoms. Inspector Jack Russell
of the Manchester Burger Police has indicated that he does not suspect narcotics
to be the cause:
"Let me say plainly that there is no suspicion of drug activity, regardless
of what certain dirty BLURBS are reporting on the streets. These are normal
kids, with good families, and we can't find any good reason to link this wave
of curious behaviour to seedy vaz clubs or pillpush."
While it seems drugs are an unlikely cause given the differences of location
and class, the other common thread is the presence of Vaz, a universal lubricant
introduced to the market two years ago by enterpeneur Jazir Malik. When reached,
representatives declined to comment on any correllation. Vaz, banned in The
Middle East and parts of America and Eastern Europe, is a largely untested substance
which alledgedly contains the "blood" of BLURBS, former means of advertising
in the "Domino Bone Scandal" of 1999, and presently deliverers of
tabloid reports.
The recent activity of BLURB Flies has the public on edge, particularly considering
their long absence from the skies of the United Kingdom at large. Following
the unlikely selection of Mr. Million and the subsequent end of Dominoes, BLURBS
had practically vanished from the public. Rumours that their return coincided
with the alleged disappearance of Jazir Malik remains a topic of speculation
which no one, including tabloids, are willing to discuss. However, one young
man who recently fell into a coma was reported to have said "It's Dom-Dom-Dom-Domino
time!" shortly before tragedy befell his family.
So the question remains: is there a connection between the Domino controversy
(which nearly bankrupted The AnnoDomino Corporation and failed to catch on at
a National level), the mysterious cream feathers, and Vaz? Is the disappearance
of Jazir Malik and musician Frank Scenario five years ago? What accounts for
the sudden rise of Game Cat magazine sales amongst coma victims? Could these
be related to this strange medical quagmire? The streets whisper of a game far
more involved than Bones, but what can't vurt you can only make you stronger,
right?
---
FROM USA TODAY
Junne 7th, 2004
the floor of capitol hill was a buzz today with the impending legislation on
banning "VAZ" lubricant in all fifty states coming to a vote today.
"What we're dealing with here is a world wide epidemic, and if this junk
is a contributing product, then I will not stand for it in this fine country
of ours," Said Senator Leonard Shelby of California, "We don't need
the FDA to get involved. We ought to ban it outright before we lose any more
of America's youth!"
Since the summer of 2002, when VAZ was introduced to the market, reports have
been flying that citizens were using it to conduct bizarre drug experimentation
on each other and the end result "...[is] Hospitals packed with coma patients.
We're running out of places to keep them," warned Dr. Jeffery Noon, "And
while there have been cases of some of them waking up dazed but otherwise no
worse for the wear, I'm afraid that the ratio isn't nearly balanced."
It's true that some victims of the strange coma-like symptoms are slowly returning
to their everyday lives, few seem willing to discuss what happened to them,
and in more dire cases, a few returned to consciousness with severe psychological
damage, necessitating their admittance to psychiatric facilities. The US Government
indicated that it was testing individuals who "jacked out" and were
willing to comply, but they refused to release their findings pending more research.
In the meantime, Interpol and the FBI have indicated their interest in locating
Jazir Malik, the alleged inventor of "VAZ", for questioning, but all
attempts to locate him have been made in vain. His own offices refuse to speak
to the authorities and resisted subpoenas in their Los Angeles and New York
offices. Search Warrants were also met with legal counteraction by the Law Firm
of Welsh, Wilson, and Shea. The Supreme Court is scheduled to hear the case
when it convenes this October, but experts predict Authorities will fail without
probable cause to search the premises.
Meanwhile, the House resoundingly passed a bill to outlaw BLURB Flies last spring
in an attempt to curtail the illegal "VAZ" labs popping up across
the States. With the substance already illegal in most states and the assurance
the federal bill will pass, police are worried that BLURBs may be related to
the creation of street level vaz, or SL VAZ, and appealed to Congress to help
them. Advertising firms are calling the motion a direct violation of the first
amendment and a class action lawsuit is expected in the near future.
What does this mean for the near future? Things are uncertain, as always, but
citizens can always trust the govurtment to know what's best for them.