Epidemic Spreads Outside of United Kingdom
- Scientists and Physicians alike are at a loss to explain the bizarre phenonema
spreading across the United Kingdom. To date, nearly 300 men and women have
slipped into comas with vurtually no provocation or prior symptoms indicating
health decline. Worse, however, is the revelations that cases are popping up
in parts of India, Asia, New Zealand, and The United States.
"There's no clear scientific explanation for this" explains Doctor J.M. Hentrails, head practicioner of a well respected Manchester Hospital. "To all outward appearances, [victims] appear dead to the world, and yet brainwave activity is through the roof."
While there is no clear connection in discerning what causes the coma, Civil Serpents have indicated that located near each victim is a single cream coloured feather, and while drugs were suspected, few involved would comment on what particular combination would cause such bizarre symptoms. Inspector Jack Russell of the Manchester Burger Police has indicated that he does not suspect narcotics to be the cause:
"Let me say plainly that there is no suspicion of drug activity, regardless of what certain dirty BLURBS are reporting on the streets. These are normal kids, with good families, and we can't find any good reason to link this wave of curious behaviour to seedy vaz clubs or pillpush."
While it seems drugs are an unlikely cause given the differences of location and class, the other common thread is the presence of Vaz, a universal lubricant introduced to the market two years ago by enterpeneur Jazir Malik. When reached, representatives declined to comment on any correllation. Vaz, banned in The Middle East and parts of America and Eastern Europe, is a largely untested substance which alledgedly contains the "blood" of BLURBS, former means of advertising in the "Domino Bone Scandal" of 1999, and presently deliverers of tabloid reports.
The recent activity of BLURB Flies has the public on edge, particularly considering their long absence from the skies of the United Kingdom at large. Following the unlikely selection of Mr. Million and the subsequent end of Dominoes, BLURBS had practically vanished from the public. Rumours that their return coincided with the alleged disappearance of Jazir Malik remains a topic of speculation which no one, including tabloids, are willing to discuss. However, one young man who recently fell into a coma was reported to have said "It's Dom-Dom-Dom-Domino time!" shortly before tragedy befell his family.
So the question remains: is there a connection between the Domino controversy (which nearly bankrupted The AnnoDomino Corporation and failed to catch on at a National level), the mysterious cream feathers, and Vaz? Is the disappearance of Jazir Malik and musician Frank Scenario five years ago? What accounts for the sudden rise of Game Cat magazine sales amongst coma victims? Could these be related to this strange medical quagmire? The streets whisper of a game far more involved than Bones, but what can't vurt you can only make you stronger, right?
FROM USA TODAY
Junne 7th, 2004
the floor of capitol hill was a buzz today with the impending legislation on banning "VAZ" lubricant in all fifty states coming to a vote today.
"What we're dealing with here is a world wide epidemic, and if this junk is a contributing product, then I will not stand for it in this fine country of ours," Said Senator Leonard Shelby of California, "We don't need the FDA to get involved. We ought to ban it outright before we lose any more of America's youth!"
Since the summer of 2002, when VAZ was introduced to the market, reports have been flying that citizens were using it to conduct bizarre drug experimentation on each other and the end result "...[is] Hospitals packed with coma patients. We're running out of places to keep them," warned Dr. Jeffery Noon, "And while there have been cases of some of them waking up dazed but otherwise no worse for the wear, I'm afraid that the ratio isn't nearly balanced."
It's true that some victims of the strange coma-like symptoms are slowly returning to their everyday lives, few seem willing to discuss what happened to them, and in more dire cases, a few returned to consciousness with severe psychological damage, necessitating their admittance to psychiatric facilities. The US Government indicated that it was testing individuals who "jacked out" and were willing to comply, but they refused to release their findings pending more research.
In the meantime, Interpol and the FBI have indicated their interest in locating Jazir Malik, the alleged inventor of "VAZ", for questioning, but all attempts to locate him have been made in vain. His own offices refuse to speak to the authorities and resisted subpoenas in their Los Angeles and New York offices. Search Warrants were also met with legal counteraction by the Law Firm of Welsh, Wilson, and Shea. The Supreme Court is scheduled to hear the case when it convenes this October, but experts predict Authorities will fail without probable cause to search the premises.
Meanwhile, the House resoundingly passed a bill to outlaw BLURB Flies last spring in an attempt to curtail the illegal "VAZ" labs popping up across the States. With the substance already illegal in most states and the assurance the federal bill will pass, police are worried that BLURBs may be related to the creation of street level vaz, or SL VAZ, and appealed to Congress to help them. Advertising firms are calling the motion a direct violation of the first amendment and a class action lawsuit is expected in the near future.
What does this mean for the near future? Things are uncertain, as always, but citizens can always trust the govurtment to know what's best for them.