Thoughts With the Reverend Thuglife...
This Month: A Question for the Ages
other day I was hanging out with a few hundred of my closest friends, giving
thanks to our dark lord below by sacrificing a two-headed virgin baby goat.
As we finished up the usual prayer “Oh lord of all that is fetid and rotten,
please take this sacrifice as a sign of our unyielding supplication to your
divine evil, and grace our pitiful souls with eternal torment….”
(you know how it goes), I noticed that about half of these dark souls ended
the prayer by saying ‘Hail Satan’ and the other half ‘Praise
Satan’. This got me to wondering which was a more proper way to salute
my foul prince.
I personally ended the prayer by saying ‘Praise Satan.’ It has always seemed to me natural to use this as a commendation for all the wretchedness and filth which he has unleashed upon the world. A simple thank you for not allowing the righteous to gain a firm grasp upon the world and for the courtesy of corrupting the innocent so that I don’t have to. However, when I started thinking, it just didn’t seem appropriate to give thanks to the divine source of all wickedness. Why would he want a prayer to him ended with a salutation expressing joy for what he has done? No, it just doesn’t seem right. On the other hand ‘Hail Satan’ doesn’t really work for me either. It’s too simple a greeting. It is a mere acknowledgement of his existence. You might as well say “Howdy Satan,” it means practically the same thing. So I decided to take the issue to the source.
Now everyone knows that when you sell your soul you get to ask one final favor or question of Lucifer himself, and then he immediately devours you whole. But due to the frivolous nature of evil, he had too many of his followers using their final favor for trivial matters such as settling disputes over dogs shitting in someone else’s yard. Now while I think it is great to smite the bastard who complains about you spreading their yard with your dog’s feces, I don’t think it’s worth ending your own life over. And oddly Satan agrees with me. So to help avoid this problem, he instituted a ‘freebie’ incentive program. One out of every one thousand unbaptised male children has inside them a coupon for one free summoning. When I found this out, I immediately set out skinning and eviscerating small boys and after about five hundred or so, sure enough I found one printed on the lung of three year old Korean boy named Heang. What a sweet little boy he was. He gave me a lick of his ice cream cone before I stabbed him in the eye.
After deciding that now was the time to cash in my freebie, I gathered together twelve of my vilest companions and held the ceremony. After several hours, with our assholes properly sore and swollen, and our hands, faces, and pricks thoroughly smeared with shit, blood, and cum, the loathsome beast himself finally made his entrance. Now I don’t know if you have ever seen Satan in his physical form, but this was my third time and just like the last two, I instantly released from every orifice. The next thing I remember, eleven of my companions had been completely devoured and the twelfth’s liver was being used by my lord as one would a piece of bread, sopping up various pools of vomit and bile as if they were a delicate sauce. Upon finishing his meal, he stood up and walked in my direction glaring at me as if he had just caught me urinating on his sneakers. (Not many people know this but Satan does in fact wear sneakers, Filas to be specific.) Before he could speak, which would have been too horrible to bear without collapsing into insanity, I blurted out my question as best I could, having just bitten off the end of my tongue. When I was done, he stopped, let out a horrifying laugh and lit me on fire, which caused him to laugh all the harder. But, in my writhing agony it came to me. Neither ‘Hail Satan’ nor ‘Praise Satan’ is nearly good enough.
From now on when attending a mass, at the end of the prayer, instead of saying any silly phrase of thanks or greeting, I will merely turn to the person closest to me and stab them repeatedly with an ice pick and sodomize their newly created fuck holes. All the while screaming like a howler monkey about the glorious horror that is Satan himself. Now I have one question to ask of you. Who’s your daddy? That’s right, I’m your daddy. See you at the next mass, you poor pathetic soul.