So Sayeth The Randy: An Interview with God (in his own mind)
by W.M. Mersh, Contributing Writer

If Randy Pettrigrew is not in fact a god, no one told him. Despite loud protests on a near daily basis by fed up members of The Happy Death Cult, Mr. Pettigrew has refused to break his 11 month seclusion inside a condemned household, which he indicates is holy ground. After considerable negotiations (and the intervention of the magazine this interview appears in), Lord Randy agreed to allow me to enter the hallowed, rat infested grounds, for a one on one conversation, surrounded by armed body guards. What follows is an exclusive peek into the world of a god:

How did you become a god?
It's something you're born with. You can't acquire god status, y'know? I'm a god leading this stupid cult!

I'll call it what i want!

What powers do you have?
I control all of you! *coughs* No!

So you don't control all of us?

Yeah, I do. The whole world is my little charade. You're like finger puppets to me. *pause* Well, I use remote controls.

You played the superbowl right? Why lose?
I'd really rather not talk about it. I mean, why give yourself away winning?

Give away? You were like 36 guys!
Hey, don't be surprised if you get hit by lightning on the way out is all i'm saying, k?

You like playing pool right.
Yup. I'm god like at pool.

Any preferred type of game?
Pocket pool *snickers*, and I guess I like 8 ball.

What about bumper pool?

I never played much of it. Seems boring.

How about bowling? you use your powers for that?
Hell yeah! How else do you bowl a 194?

Perfect is 300, right? Shouldn't perfect be God-like?
You know what would be God-like? If I made you shut the fuck up! What comes out of my mouth is the Bible, get it?

If your mouth is a bible, is it fair to say Marilyn Manson wiped his ass on your mouth?
*laughs* No, that's the other bible.

Are you related to Jesus?

No, I created him, which i suppose could be construed as being related, but I control him.

As a god, what did you think of the Passion?
I thought it was pretty fucking funny. Watching a guy getting brutalized for two hours is pretty funny.

Are you the only god involved in pornography?
Well, the Martians are kind of into it. And maybe the outer galaxies, I figure they're up for making porn.

(editor's note: Randy is well known for starring in Put It In My Butt, Barrett: Randy's House)

I guess that means you're an Earth-exclusive type of god, huh?

Like I said, earth is my play ground. I control people and play with the planet. Every once in a while we might chuck you into the sun.

Ever play planet pool?
No, we've got to keep you alive. You're like a fish tank, see. i can't let you die.

Then why so many people die?
If the earth was over populated, you'd all die. I can't really do a lot about it except not let you fuck. And you don't want to do that right? I mean, let the 14 year olds get pregnant.

You're for child molestation?

No, just child murder. what i mean is, i kill all the time. just turn on your tv sets. that's randy!

Speaking of which, why isn't there a Hurricane Randy? Too obvious?
Nah. That'd be the one to end it all, if you get my drift.

What is your mission on earth other than to fuck with us?
That's about it.

And people still worship you?
Well, I guess catholics do. Everyone worships in their own way, but everyone's wrong. Which is why I'll strike you down with great vengeance...

..and furious anger, yeah.

How do you feel about the Rosa Corporation?

That doesn't exist. It's a lie.

And Gaz Industries?
No such thing.

So you aren't in charge of it? That stinks of deital cover up.
Why wouldn't Rosa be in charge of the Rosa Corporation?

Perhaps Rosa is a puppet for a higher power, a higher power being deity, being YOU.
*indicates yes*

You just indicated so. I can take that as a yes, right?
See it as you will. I don't control certain types. Like the mob, for example. If you're in charge of the mob, good for you!

Then you're sort of a laissez-faire deity?
Well, i leave the house some times. I can't watch you all the time!

Do you believe in ghosts?
Depends on what planet you're on.

Like the ghosts of mars?
No, that's a movie. a bad movie

Do you advocate drug use?
Absolutely not! *takes a hit off of a water tobacco pipe*