Tools for being Cool


In a time when trends come in and go out just as often/quickly as my good pal Barrett’s mom does the Diva’s Lube Mart, one must really be in tune with the “eternally” hip, whilst one keeps an ear to the ground for upcoming fads. You even might need to read some tips, which (thank god for you) is sometimes cool.  At other times it is not, so keep up with me, shitheads.



Righteously Hip as of 8/22/04 :


We’ll start with an easy one (doesn’t everyone?) T-shirts printed with words or phrases which describe the wearer, to the best of their understanding. Yeah these have been around for quite a while now, but I feel this is a ‘long-term coolomenon’ and possibly something eternally hip. Try to find ‘edgy’ or new phrases—ones you have never seen on anyone, or don’t think someone would admit to. My current flavas?


Daddy’s Hole

Apocalypse Swim Team 2000


I f*cked your girlfriend…right behind your back…at the movies…while you thought we were all watching that new Exorcist movie, but Judie’s chair wasn’t wet from her fear-induced urine…. HAHA!

I Like That Band with That Guy Who Sings Those FUCKIN AWESOME Songs


Nanotechnology is not just for the scientifically oriented, or people with lots of money and big microscopes. Black-market …marketers, or whatever, are stocking up on some totally trendy tiny tools! Impress all of your friend-like entities with hours of your own flowing blood by injecting Nano-Blood-Creator- You’ll never run out coz the neato gadgets burrow pickle-grabber-like arms into your artery walls and keep “teaching” your red & white b.c’s to divide! AMAZING. Sure, if it did—I mean, this earth-shaking medical breakthrough has some serious work to do in hospitals, but why not bleed all over your bandmate’s drums? Hella cool.   ($$$$, X X  )



$$$$- this may cost you many monies.

X  X – There are serious health risks not yet evaluated by yours truly; rock the gore at

   U           your own risk.


Music has always been pretty darn cool, but the style for omnipotent hipness varies. Music which experiments with time signature fucks up your dancing rhythm, so ‘math rock’ or rock of that nature must not be cool (concentration is key for dancing, by-the-by.) Guitars are o.k., but black people don’t like them, and black people are always cooler than you are.  Here it is, the coolest music you can hear today: Go to TARGET. Go over by the home décor section. Find the wall of nature sounds CDs. Buy the one you identify with most; this is your “internal music.” My pick is “Call of the Orcas.” Now lay down some very simple beats and-this is extremely important- practice dancing to them before you decide on which ones to mix with the ‘sounds.’ You need not add synthesizers or vocals, or anything more than these two intense layers. I’m almost tempted to exclude the drums, but black people like them, so…   Here is the music for your best parties. Here is the music for your most intense sexual romp. Here is the music for gazing into your lover’s eyes. Here is the music for pumping-up before the big game. Here is the music you will die listening to. I might not have phrased that last one well, but those who are cool will know what I mean.


(Note: If you are black, I don’t know why you are reading this and you can do whatever the fuck you want with the drums.)


Whether you are a guy or girl, refer to all of your female cronies as “lady friend.” It raises eyebrows, and that is what cool does. When a guy says “girlfriend” it is automatically committal and doesn’t seem “sneaky” enough, ya know dudes? And when a girl refers to her Platonic pals as “girlfriend,” it sounds saucy, and no longer makes anyone think of girl-on-girl action. Problem solved. Oh, and you can still refer to your mom or other mothers as “The Unholy Life-Shitting Pigma.”