| Review: Star Wars Episode Three: Revenge of the Sith | ||
| First off, Star Wars fans, breathe easy. We haven't been duped for the third time. After the spectacular funk of Episode One and the incessant pandering of Episode Two, George Lucas finally remembered what he did right in A New Hope, and Revenge of the Sith is all the better for it. | ||
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| The Ring Two | ||
| it's not fair! i wanted to go see the Ice Princess, but stupid mommy told me i had to see stupid Ring Two instead! sll because daddy was boosinkittup again and bills are due. again! I hate mommy. I wish she'd go into the tv and never come back like in stupid Ring Two. This movie is not scary but is really stupid, and Im only five years old (almost six). Lots of gross girls were in the audience with older guys and they would not shut up but after a while i didnt care because the movie is stupid. if all people who are dead look like the guy in that truck then i am not afraid of ghosts anymore. samara was cool she hates taking baths too! i want to be able to kill grownups! ima make a videotape just you watch me... | ||
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| Sin Shitty! | ||
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yoyoyo sherboy Stan, back from spriiiiiiiinnnngg breeaaaaakakaka! shit yea homez, i was fuckin tearin it up in east lansing last fuckin week. man i was so fuckin ripped that i almost forgot i saw fuckin sin shitty! now that i remeberd i fuckin wish i had. yeah yeah whatever it was violent n shit, but dudes looked like they had fuckin jizz all over their jacketz 4 most of the movie MAJOR LEAGUE GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yo i wont front the bitchez in sin shitty were smokin hawt (even if mah girl alba didnt get butt nekkid i still stroked it in her honor) and who knew the chick from gaymore girls was bone worthy??? still aint gonna watch that shit. fuckit im all for decaptatin and whatevah, but this movie just a little 2 gay if u kno what i mean... 1 star for da movie 5 starz for my bitchez now i yall excuse me i gots half a bottle of crown royal left and that shit aint gonna drink itself.... |
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| Hey Dirtbag! | ||
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Did you just rent Van Helsing? |
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| Movie Roundup: February | ||
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Time to catch up on the Hottest Jams! This month: A Very Long Engagement Garden State on DVD We Don't Live Here Anymore The Forgotten on DVD Blade Trinity Flesh Eaters from Outer Space/Invasion for Flesh and Blood Double Feature Retro Review: Predator 2 |
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| Blade Sucks Three | ||
| aight so what was i expectin right? fuckin more blade ass beatin check fuckin score ass chix check fuckin LAME ASS VAMPIRES check WTF????? shit man, this movie has so little ass kickin that i can barely qualify it as action, more like "im mopey ass blade cuz i cant act for shit" and hey lets cut away to cap' chocula for a halffuckin hour drake ass lame shit. FUCK u think van helsing got dracula wrong oh shit u have no idea! fuckety fuckballs is this shit lame. on the plus corner, porker posey and jessica biel and bonk-worthy, reapers dogs are pretty funny. fuckin van wilder kicks some ass but he cant shut his fuckin yap. oh yeah, like triple "how do u know how big my dick is" h (seriously he fuckin says that shit) man trips, ur no rock. ur not even hogan quality YEAH U HERD ME GAME STICK WITH EVOLUTIOn! fuuuuuck im getting sick of all these shitty movies man! but fuckin saw is comin out on dvd soon!!!!!! SHIT YEAH!!!! | ||
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| Splatter University | ||
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Ladies and gentlemen, there are bad movies. There are terrible movies. Then there are the truly transcendent pieces of shit. Now, we're not talking about crap like Godsend. I wouldn't wipe my ass with that movie. No, instead we're talking about Splatter University, a film so stunningly bad that simple taste for crappy movies won't tide you over. This isn't Chopping Mall we're talking about, more like The In Crowd. Once a movie makes a surprise impact, then the wave of rip offs come riding in, and Splatter University came during the dog days of slasher rip offs in the wake of Friday the 13th and Halloween. |
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| Stern Auditor by Matt Englund | ||
| Now, I’m not the kinda guy who’s, you know…into porn. I mean, I’ve seen my fair share, no more than say, your average thirtysomething living in his mother’s basement and spending most of his free time writing Star Wars fan fiction; I’m familiar with the genre. And Stern Auditor may very well be the worst pornographic films that I have ever seen with my pants around my ankles and a box of tissues. It’s a film for those bondage, discipline types. It opens in an office and it seems that someone has been naughty and misappropriated some funds, so you know what that means: fifty minutes of spanking, nipple twisting and rolling around on the floor like a dog, sweet. The assistant of the lead, Mister Stern, is visited by the culprit and when confronted he denies everything. Let the spanking commence. This was my first problem with the movie, when the guy drops his pants he is wearing a thong. At first I thought he just had a wedgie but no… thong…creepy. A little later we have a similar scene in Mister Stern’s office(which looks suspiciously familiar) in which the film’s namesake (Stern: Auditor really would have been a better title although it does sound more like a sweet action movie about a loose cannon accountant who foils Columbian drug lords with his CPA of justice) goes through an almost identical script with a female employee. There’s a little nipple twisting, but otherwise they save all the good stuff for the climactic third act (scene) in which Mr. Stern, his assistant and the two misappropriators all meet at Stern’s apartment, which apparently has only one wall, no windows and no furniture, save a couch, and this is when I realized this was being filmed on a set, with one crappy home camcorder. The sexy illusion of dirty, dirty accountants was gone, shattered by shitty production value, and I had to cleanup anyway. I could figure out where the rest of the plot went anyway. What a shitty porn; not even worth the waste of sperm. | ||
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| Movie Roundup! | ||
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This Month: I Heart Huckabees The Day Before Tomorrow Zombie Dead Eat Some Fuckin People Team America: World Police Saw Ray Fahrenheit 9/11/ Celsius 41.11 Scooby Doo: Monsters Unleashed Buffy the Grudge Slayer and the Temple of Suck |
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| Adam Sandler fucks it up again! | ||
| i dunno what ur fuckin problem is snadler but this fuckin spanglish shit was worse than donkeypunch love and at least that had some fuckin class a ass beatin. instead of bein the ass we all know ur, instead you mope around like some fuckin pussy 4 2 hours when U KNOW that spanish maid wants your ass! DO IT MAN!!! fuck mrs david duchovy... wait, no do them both 3WAY!!! yeah baby thatd be better than the fuckin shit i just slept thru. fuckin longest yard better kick some serious ass or make fuckin happy madison again just stop bein such a pussy snadler. | ||
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