Stern Auditor

Now, I’m not the kinda guy who’s, you know…into porn. I mean, I’ve seen my fair share, no more than say, your average thirtysomething living in his mother’s basement and spending most of his free time writing Star Wars fan fiction; I’m familiar with the genre. And Stern Auditor may very well be the worst pornographic films that I have ever seen with my pants around my ankles and a box of tissues. It’s a film for those bondage, discipline types. It opens in an office and it seems that someone has been naughty and misappropriated some funds, so you know what that means: fifty minutes of spanking, nipple twisting and rolling around on the floor like a dog, sweet. The assistant of the lead, Mister Stern, is visited by the culprit and when confronted he denies everything. Let the spanking commence. This was my first problem with the movie, when the guy drops his pants he is wearing a thong. At first I thought he just had a wedgie but no… thong…creepy. A little later we have a similar scene in Mister Stern’s office(which looks suspiciously familiar) in which the film’s namesake (Stern: Auditor really would have been a better title although it does sound more like a sweet action movie about a loose cannon accountant who foils Columbian drug lords with his CPA of justice) goes through an almost identical script with a female employee. There’s a little nipple twisting, but otherwise they save all the good stuff for the climactic third act (scene) in which Mr. Stern, his assistant and the two misappropriators all meet at Stern’s apartment, which apparently has only one wall, no windows and no furniture, save a couch, and this is when I realized this was being filmed on a set, with one crappy home camcorder. The sexy illusion of dirty, dirty accountants was gone, shattered by shitty production value, and I had to cleanup anyway. I could figure out where the rest of the plot went anyway. What a shitty porn; not even worth the waste of sperm.