Fashion Update
By Channel Schlemiel
What’s up hipsters! I’m Channel (yeah I was named after Coco herself, lol) and since I’m writing for this hot new ‘zine and since I was named after Coco Channel, I’m in a unique missionary position to bring you all the latest fashion news that’s a promise! I’m gonna take my mission very seriously and do all the tedious research necessary to try to make YOU look good, and that’s a LOT of research, lol.
Before
Channel’s Fashion Update yikes! After
Channel’s Fashion Update
fabulous!
Each issue I’ll tell you how you can get the hottest looks, like ROCKR CHIC and FRUMPY FROU, and of course these looks are totally gonna change from one issue to the next, all except for ROCKR CHIC because now that Ashlee Simpson is taking over the girl-rock scene Avril’s gonna have to step it up and then it’s gonna be one big OUTRAGEOUS ROCKR GRL FASHN WR, OMG!!! I can’t wait, It’s gonna be KrAy~Zee. I think Ashlee could totally pull off lookin like Jem from that cartoon from the 80s cuz she had glamorous style with a punk edge! But not like Pizzazz (or whatever her name was) and the Misfits, they were a bunch of sluts cuz they were TOO punk, like they thought they were guyz or somethin, they were scary like that Twisted Sister chick, lol.
Pizzazz and the sluts—er,
Misfits.
Twisted
Sister - the one in pink, her real name Is Dee (more like Duh cuz she needs
to lay off the stereods, take some ostrichen and go get her makeup
done at Clinique so she’ll look less like Pizzazz and more like…)
Jem!!! Truly outrageous!
And tasteful. Jem prepares to kick some ass on
rival turf.
Let’s start tryin’ to make you look good, beeyotchez, lol!!!
OK, so there are 2 looks that are really hott now. Hey look, I already listed ‘em! ROCKR CHIC and FRUMPY FROU. And then I’ll talk about some other
things that don’t fit the looks but are still important like handbags and evening
gowns. Cuz they’re important too
and a fashion column would be really boring without some really classy bags.
ROCKR CHIC
All you need to know about this look is that you either have to look like a guy at a concert (except wear jeans that are for girls, lol) and wear a black t-shirt with a rockin design on it and a whole pile of necklaces and bracelets and giant sunglasses from the 80s and some 80s pumps and a bag in some combination of pink and black. Well, that’s not so much like a guy at a concert but the t-shirt part is. lol.
[pic of Mary-Kate Olsen w/ copy “M-K Olsen rocks this look a lot, and I’d like to take this opportunity to say that I think it’s really mean of the tabloids to say she was really doing drug rehab, I know that was a great big lie just because they are jealous that she is so pretty and perfect and she’s my fashion icon so I know she can’t be putting outfits together like the ones she wears if she’s a cokehead, which she’s totally not. It’s really hard for me to look as good as her, and the only drugs I’m on are life and caffene, lol. I SUPPORT YOU, M-K!!!”]
The pink and black part brings us to the other way you can look
ROCKN, which is to wear some black Chuck Taylors with a big hot pink and black
net/tool/criminaline tutu skirt.
And a black t-shirt with a rockin design on it. [pic of a girl w/ a tutu
& chucks, w/ the copy below as a caption, as-is.]
Basically, your shoes should be
the exact opposite style of whatever you’re wearing on your ass, and no matter
what’s on your ass, put a black t-shirt with a rockin design on your boobs,
lol. If there’s
a pair of jeans on your ass, put some pumps on your feet, and if there’s a big
ballet skirt thing on your ass, put some deliberately beat-up, worn-in sneakers
on your feet. See? Easy. You’re looking better already (sike! lol).
FRUMPY FROU
The second look is FRUMPY FROU. This is like Sarah Jessica Parker in that Gap ad with Lenny
Kravitz. All you need is a sweater
and some big flower pins and you take the pins and make the sweater all bunchy
somewhere so it looks uncomfortable.
Another effect of bunching the sweater up is that it makes the sweater
tighter which is good cuz you don’t REALLY wanna be frumpy, lol. That would be icky. Then you’d end up lookin like the Quit-it
Lady (for those of you in g-boro) (holla!!!). Another way to do FRUMPY FROU is to get a really
nappy-looking tweed blazer and then shrink it so it’s tiny. ‘Cuz, once again, (say it with me) you
want to AVOID LOOKING LIKE THE QUIT-IT LADY.
Carrie knows how to avoid So does this girl in the Delia’s
looking like the Quit-it Lady. catalog.
[pic of someone lookin bad w/ copy “Total Quit-it Lady.”]
CLASSY BAGS AND STUFF
This is the section where I talk about some really classy bags
and dresses and whatever else didn’t fit in the Looks section. First off, check out this awesome dress
my friend found when she was lookin for bridesmaid dresses (I tried to get her
to choose this one but she wanted something “simple”):
It’s so pretty, those butterflies might just carry it
away with you in it, lol!!! That
would be so cool, imagine if you were just walkin around some high-class
cocktail party, lookin totally hot like Paris Hilton-as-Barbie in your
butterfly dress, and all of a sudden they just come to life and start
flyin’! And they carry you around
for a while before they realize oops, they’re not just carrying that beautiful
dress but they’re also carrying YOU!!! Haha! And they set you down gently like
Cinderella with the bluebirds and then they’re careful to just take the dress
and not you. And everyone gets to
see your super-sexy Agent Provocateur undies!!! Who doesn’t want to see that, lol.
Or maybe they drop you in the punch bowl, that would suck.
Anyway, here’s a rockin’ classy bag:
Haha, she looks pissed! She’s
gonna kick some guy’s ass at poker and then she’s gonna put her cigarette out
on his dick. Sassy! Here’s another classy bag:
I don’t know what to say
about this one except that it seems like it would be alot of fun to be able to
go around saying “here, just put it in my pants” to people when they are
handing you things. You would have
to keep your digital camera with you all the time (in your “pants!!!”) to catch the looks on
people’s faces, lol!!! They’d be
like, “wha???” Then they’d realize
you mean for them to put your change (or a sandwich or whatever it is they’re
handing you) in your purse that looks like pants and they’d either be relieved or
embarrassed cuz they thought you meant your actual pants. Then (hopefully, unless they’re really
stupid) they’d know to put whatever it was they were handing you in your purse,
and not in your pants. You
might want to be really specific about clearing that up, lol. Remember not to wear a skirt if you get
this bag and want to use this joke, cuz it only works if you’re wearing
pants!!! Also it’d be nice to
credit me ‘cuz I made up the joke.
Just one more classy bag!!!
Is this classy or what?!?!? Paris Hilton would FLIP over this bag, I should try to send
her one and see if she starts carrying it all the time, I bet Tinkerbell would
love it cuz it has a glam dog on it and it’s WEARING PINK SUNGLASSES AND A TIARA,
OMG it’s like, “heyyyy, I’m fabulous!!!”
Just like Paris! She’s
gonna love it.
I’ll keep you guys updated on what happens after I send Paris
her bag but you should watch E! and Entertainment Tonight and Access Hollywood
and all those other shows that get the scoop on Paris because she’s totally
gonna be rockin this bag!!!
That’s it for this issue’s Fashion Update! Follow my advice and you’re gonna look
at least a little better than you do now, and that’s something, right,
lol! Just don’t follow all my
advice in one outfit, cuz you’ll get really hot and b.o. is not in, ever.
Chow!
xoxo,