Fuck Your Tattoos
By Matt Englund

Being a pillar of the counter-culture, I have the pleasure of meeting all sort of crazy rock ‘n’ roll types who mutilate, puncture, scarify, and generally fuck themselves up in the name of fashion. Slovenly, demented perverts so full of booze, cum and methemphetamines that would just as soon skullfuck the next unlucky piece of shit to step in their way were it not for the Prince Albert, freshly healing, imbedded in the head of their cock. But there are also folks out there cruising the scene that I have a genuine mistrust and downright hatred for, folks who make it out to all the right shows, go to the right clubs and genuinely make the scene. These are the kind of scumfucks who have the gecko tattooed on the right arm, maybe a scary skull on the left arm. Weekend fucking warriors man, I mean if your gonna start modifying your body, let’s go all out for chrissakes. We're not going to get anywhere if you fucks aren’t going to experiment with your physical makeup for my amusement, so while were having this chat about how great I am and how you will always be little pussyboy poser I have a few suggestions to make that maybe kick you up a notch or two on badass the meter:

1) Always make sure that the tattoos you have that are visible are the ones that let everyone you run across know that you will absolutely not take shit from anyone. Get the words “PRISON RAPIST” tattooed across your forehead and see if that little motherfucker behind the counter at Wendy’s forgets your extra side of ranch now. Who gives a shit if your mom won’t talk to you anymore, what has that lying bitch ever done but nag in your ear about what you ought to do. And let me tell you, brother, there’s only one person in the world who is allowed to tell you what to do and that is me, because I am cooler than you could ever hope to be and you need my help. I do this because I care.

2) Now, the tattoos that you get that aren’t visible are sexy so that when your with you lady friend (or a hooker, or a groupie, or the slow stock girl at the local Wal-Mart) that your tattoo gets ‘em all hot. I used to have a buddy who had a tattoo above the waist line of his pants that said, “GET READY” and then below the waist line it said “I’M GONNA FUCK YOU IN THE ASS!” The ladies love that kinda shit, the real sweet romantic stuff. But make sure it’s something that really speaks to you. Like if you want to remember your grandmother and the special times you had together at the circus, how about an enormous graywash backplate that shows your grandmother get fucked by a clown, maybe he’s got her pinned in an elephant turd, maybe he’s fucking her sideways and she laying on the counter of a cotton candy booth, it purely an aesthetic thing, BE CREATIVE.

3) I’m so tired of seeing guys with a Bible tattooed on their arms. Unless it can be open and read, that tattoo is always gay. However if the layers of skin are separated and then inscribed with writing (even a few pages would do) that would probably be one of the coolest tattoos in history, without question.

4) Now I have seen a few of these guys who have modified themselves to look like lizards and cats and the like, but I really don’t think they’re going far enough. When I see a guy who has grown horns in his head and had his tongue split I laugh, usually quite a bit but I am not satisfied, what about animal stem cells that could grow a trait “naturally”. Or better yet let’s get this cyborg, million-dollar man shit off the ground and start soupin’ people up. How about an arm that can throw a car, or an oscillating cock that fucks your girl at 1000 rpms. This is how we get on the fast track and really start kicking the shit out of nature, I mean how long will nature last when there are legions of robot men equipped with flame throwing nipples. Now if that ain’t some sweet laughing in God’s face I don’t know what would be.

See, there’s a lot of great ideas out there that you lazy scenester motherfuckers aren’t taking advantage of. These ideas are the wave of the future and I’m sick and tired of people not listening to my brilliant advice so I have stolen a thermonuclear device, and will hold the world hostage until I have my flame throwing, cyborg supermen with the robot cocks dammit. Then we’ll see whose cool.